The here and now

We all reach moments where certain realisations come to us. This is normal. Time gives us perspective. What time has brought me is the need to purge. Throughout the years, like other human beings who live, i have endured some big things that i should not have, some small things that make you cringe to look back, and most of all, enough fuel to hate myself for all eternity. This is the reality i accepted for myself. But my ultimate realisation in the here and now, is that i have punished myself over and over throughout the years for things i could not help, alter, or fix, that were not mine to fix. I have lived with the history of others in my head and heart, have accepted negativity into my veins like a drug, so that i could hide from life and the things that scare me. Here are some of the things that scare me. Firstly is myself, what if i really am like the history that should not be repeated? What if i am really as cruel or damaged or prejudiced as those who came before me? What if i inadvertanly cause some inexusable damage to someone else: someone's self esteem, someones self worth, what if the act of loving me damages someone else? If i hide from life, i can do no harm to others. Secondly, what if i fail? What if like most moments in my life i am punished for trying? I have spent years fighting to live a normal life, catching up from my slow pace, and each time i hit a wall. Not just a sweet picket fence easily lept over; these walls are twenty feet tall, made of solid stone encased in steel. Each time i run into one of these walls, trying to fulfil my expectation of the things i should and want to do in life, and it hurts. It stalls me, throws my life into an emotional chaos that stops sleep and seeps into my hope like snake venom and rots it at its core. Each time i have gotten up, and after a few gentle footsteps forwards i begin running again, trying again. And then another wall hits me. Each time i fail and i try again, but my fear is that what if, even though i keep trying, i will still fail and my life will have been a waste. Here is a revelation, however, somehow i always knew my life wouldnt be the same as others, i've always known somehow that my life wasnt really my own, but it belonged to others. Its strange to realise that i've never really lived my life for me, even though i have been living my life. Inspite of these basic of fears, some of which i have not yet mentioned, my life has been made up of moments that haunt my present footsteps and weigh me down. Even when i try to be positive like others always recommend, i am fighting an uphill battle, because even when all is going well, anxiety creeps in and i get flashbacks of the past, what i would label my past indescretions, though in reality, they probably had no impact on others. My anxiety reminds me daily of things i did the wrong way, times i was wrong, or biassed or made assumptions. My mind constantly criticises me, and i cannot stop the hurt that follows or the mistrust i have of myself to do and act well, even though i know my intentions are good and that it comes from a caring place. So, here is no longer to be about the small heartbreak of a collosal love gone wrong, but about purging my system of all the little wrongs and hurts that i still judge myself for.