Dont be stupid Nathan. Life writing.

I sat in the middle of a green field. It was an oasis of ordered countryside, busy with dog walkers and children during the summer holidays, escaping from grey lives for an hour or so. This playing field had the same name as the cigarettes I smoke, the same name as my street, and if I had a house with a name it would probably have the same name as this field. It was summer, late afternoon, and the heat was stifling, concentrated by clouds into an almost unbearable humidity. But I didn't want to leave, didn't want to be around other people. I needed time to think. 'Clinically nice' is what he called me. 'Whenever you do something you don't believe is good or nice, you think you're unlovable and evil. Its a core belief, which means it’s part of your make up, and it'll take a lot of work to change that belief.' That's how my counsellor explained it to me. Robert, he was nice, it’s a shame he couldn't have talked the cause of this out of me. Where did it come from? I can remember when the first sign of this 'core belief' made an appearance I think. I was in the park near my home on Bramble Road. It was big and had tennis courts and football posts, and a park with swings and climbing frames. I had finished school for the day, changed and gone out again. Sarah, a girl I had been to junior school with, had been saying to someone that she wanted a fight and I said yes, calling her bluff. I planned to stand up to her, to tell her to leave me alone and start on someone else. She couldn't sing, wasn't nice, was ugly and should go away. When the time came something different happened. I wouldn't fight her; Wouldn't or couldn't. “You’re ugly, stupid and I don't like you!” She said loudly, looking at her friend who stood by the grey metal gate smirking. Sarah was smug, her mouth contorted into a sneer, her eyes alive with malice. “Leave me alone” I said quietly. She pushed me with both hands against my shoulders, I didn't fight it and fell with a dull 'thud' onto the heated black floor. It was springy and I wasn't hurt. She loomed over me and put her foot hard on my shoulder, holding me down. I was getting upset now, she'd pushed me over and said horrible things to me. She turned and walked away, I got up and my brother led me home. I was upset with him too, he didn't defend me. He let her be mean to me. Other brothers got involved and told horrible bully to go away. He didn't. I don't remember what happened next, what happened when I got home. Mum told me the other day that I had told her that I didn't fight back because she didn't know karate. I did at the time, and I didn't use it. I set myself up as a victim in that moment because I didn't want to be a nasty person. But where did it come from this fear and self-judgement? I got up from my seat of grass and walked home. The light was fading and I saw little point in getting bitten to pieces by gnats. I had three bites coming up on my wrist already, minuscule pink mountains. I scratched them absent-mindedly as I walked, giving up at the moment of finding anything in my memory that would help. The moment of clarity came by itself as I was about to sleep. My bed was warm and soft, and I lay there thinking. The ceiling looked closer the more I looked at it, and that's when it came, like a strike. Having my aunt as a babysitter was good. It meant I got to play with my cousin, Lee, and we pretty much grew up together. He was only thirteen days older than me. It wasn't always fun being around him all the time. He was like the weather, changeable. One day you'd be in his good books, other days he was mean. My aunt also babysat my cousin Kirk's God-brother, Nathan, who was a year younger than me and Lee. Kirk and my brother never wanted to play with him, so with them more interested in going out with their mates he was always around us, we resented it. We found him annoying and generally we picked on him most of the time. “We don't want to play with you” was a regular thing we said to him. He just took it, didn't fight back, he would sit there silently, looking at his hands his face passive. 'Get out of my room, I don't want you in here' Lee spat at him and then laughed. I joined in, felt powerful. I revelled in the fact I was being included, to his detriment. Why was he always here ruining our games? Disgust marred our faces, though it was aimed in the wrong direction. We excluded him as much as we included and picked on him. We thought this was normal. We didn't see any harm in it. It wasn't just us of course, it was Kirk too. Gary, my brother, never used to take part, but he never separated himself from it either. On this particular day, Nathan had breakfast with us and we were being mean. We decided he hadn't eaten his own breakfast, but that it was ours because he always ate before he arrived and was having a second breakfast. 'Greedy pig' we said sourly under our breaths. 'Scoffing our breakfast! Oink oink!'. His face flushed. Amid laughter we left him at the table and went up to my cousin’s room. Later that day Jackie sent Nathan upstairs with us. We ignored him the moment he entered. 'What's that smell?' I asked. 'Pig poo, Nathan's around' we laughed. 'Eww, you smell! Leave us alone!' 'I hate you' he said quietly. 'So! Go away Nathan, we don't want to play with you.' 'I'm going to kill myself!' he said 'And it’s your fault.' 'You're such a drama queen!' Lee stated harshly, and we laughed. Even then we knew what 'queen' meant as an insult. 'You're just trying to get back at us' I said, looking down my nose at him. His face grew tense, and his cheeks grew pink. He marched out of the doorway suddenly. On the floor he found a cable for a net curtain. He put it round his neck in a loop and started pulling hard. Lee yelled, and I screamed. His face was going red, and his knuckles were white from where he gripped the curtain wire. “Don't be stupid Nathan!' I yelled. He pulled tighter, tears were in his eyes. He really meant to do it. My aunt came to the bottom of the stairs and called up. 'What's going on?” She looked at Nathan at the top of the stairs and, faster than I thought anyone could move, she was next to him pulling the cable loose and away from him. He was sobbing and she was trying to sooth him. 'It’s okay, you're fine. Come on Nathan.' She put an arm around him and led him slowly down the stairs, she threw us a look, stay. Me and my cousin were frozen in place, we wouldn't have gone with her if she invited us. We knew we were in trouble, but it didn't make sense. Did we do this? We walked into Lee's room , sat on his bed and waited. I can't remember what we spoke about in that half hour, but when we heard the doorbell ring we grew silent again. Nathan's mum was here to pick him up. The sound of a muffled conversation drifted up the stairs, before being cut off by gentle click the front room door closing. The pair of us crept to the small hall at the top of the stairs, waiting. Nathan and his mum silently left the house soon after. Nathan wasn't crying any more, but there was an angry pink line around his neck. We didn't see him for a long time afterwards. I sucked in a shocked breath as I came back to reality. Oh my god! How evil and nasty we were. People say kids are cruel, but this was something else, I thought with shame. This was before we were ten years old and we had driven someone who should have been our playmate to attempt suicide. No wonder I changed so quickly. I hated myself with an intensity that made my heart race so fast I could feel it beating against by ribcage. I reached for my bedside drawer; there was only one thing that could stop my mind whirling like a tornado. My lungs were burning. From an old Jewellery case I drew out a razor blade. The metal was cool and instantly my mind was sharp, waiting. The sting of the blade at the top of my thighs was like being on drugs. With every slash my mind stilled a fraction more, gave release to the emotion, draining it from me like a mask slipping down over my face. I looked down. My stomach turned to lead. I didn't mean to cut so deep. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.